The trouble with men...

THE trouble with men is that they're not women. Now before you think I've come out of the closet and am about to come over all lezzer on you, let me explain. I've recently come to realise that men are TOTALLY different to women. Something I'm sure most of you know and you're all currently staring at the screen going wha'? What's she on about? But hear me out.

When a woman texts or calls a man "just to say hi" what she really wants is for the guy to text back with "I miss you too" or "thinking about you too". What she doesn't want to hear is "I'm in a meeting, I saw you yesterday, eff off." And when a man texts a woman with "how're you?" what he wants to hear is "I'm already naked, get your ass home" not "my mother is here, get your ass home". You see the difference?

I've been dating men since I went to college at 17 and it's taken me nearly ten years to realise that men and women are different. Do you remember the episode of Sex and the City where a male friend of Miranda's tells her that the guy who promised to call and then didn't, wasn't in fact eaten by a herd of elephants but was "just not that into you"? Well that's what this is for me. I'm FINALLY getting it! Women and men are total opposites.

To illustrate, men never seem to see the need to make plans in advance. Going out for them means having a shower and sticking on some Lynx, all of which can be done in a matter of minutes. What they don't seem to understand is that it's not the same for women. For example, here's a typical conversation between me and a Potential Suitor or PS for short.

Me: So that was a fun date, how about going out at the weekend?
PS: Sure, I'd like that, I'll call you to arrange it.

Cue several agonising days waiting by the phone for said call which doesn't materialise until Saturday at about 6pm.

PS: So I'm calling like I said I would [all delighted with himself] Fancy a night on the tiles tonight? Meet you down the local in an hour.
Me(through gritted teeth): It's Saturday night at 6pm, did you just expect me to be sitting here with nothing better to do?
PS: *In a bewildered tone of voice* But I thought we agreed to go out this weekend?
Me: Yes but you never rang to arrange it IN ADVANCE [me shouting this last bit]

Do you see what I'm getting at?

And before you think I'm just a twisted bitter cynical oul hack (which I am) it's not just me. Most of my friends complain about the exact same thing and in fact I know one girl who is on contant Date Stand-by, complete with full make up, short skirt and perfectly coiffed hair just in case her fella calls her at the last minute wanting to go out. When asked why she goes to all this bother she claims it's easier to have herself permanently ready rather than to row with the guy over his total lack of arranging-dates-in-advance skills. Cos he doesn't get it and she said if she has to look at his sick-calf expression one more time as he tries to explain himself she's going to shoot him. But I digress.

It's almost like a revelation to me. Men and women are different. Men and women see things in totally different lights. It'd be SO much easier if both sexes thought the same...but they don't. I can almost hear the bells going off as the Gods of Dating cry "she's finally got it!"

So when I get a text from an ex at 4am asking me to take him back I NOW know that he doesn't actually mean it! When a man takes me on a date and looks into my eyes and tells me he thinks our children would be beautiful I NOW know he doesn't actually mean it! When a man takes my number in a pub and swears blind that he'll call within 24 hours, I NOW know that he doesn't mean it! Because this is just what men DO! They're not mean or nasty or malicious...they're just men!

And I know that there are probably men reading this who are just raging with me now, furious at the injustice of it all, because they've been walked all over by a right cow and ALWAYS make plans in advance so I'll make a concession. Yes, there are some bitches out there. But I'm not trying to say men: bad, women: good I'm just trying to point out the differences between the two and how they react to each other.

So much like Miranda (but without the fabulous Manhattan lifestyle) I've come to terms with this revelation and I think it might actually help me in my quest to find the perfect man. Men and women are different - brilliant!

(Oh and if I DO find the perfect man I'll secretly steal some of his DNA so he can be cloned and given out to all the single ladies out there. My gift to the Sisterhood!)