Life's a bastard...but sometimes it lets up

The life and times of an ordinary Dublin girl. Follow her journey as she finds out working from home really ISN'T about watching Oprah all day and that perhaps men aren't really all bastards.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Internet dating....Jaysis!

FOLLOWING on from the theme of 'one big blind date' coined by JL Pagano at the recent Blog Awards I'm posting below two of my Said and Dunne columns about Internet dating and how I fared when I registerd for a dating website.

I never actually met any of the men featured below now, the profiles were enough, trust me, but you'll get the gist of it. I had fun on the site and I'd encourage others to try it, but I fear I'm going to be single for a very long time. Enjoy!

Said and Dunne 1.

"A PRESS release came into the office last week concerning a singles website which is offering free membership to people for the month of February, to get into the whole Valentine’s spirit.

A colleague, sick of me moaning about having no fella, forwarded it on to me with a cheery ‘check this out’ message, though the underlying tone was ‘stop whining bi-atch’.

Having heard good things about Internet dating from friends and having dabbled with chat rooms myself in the past, I thought, why not?

So I duly logged on to and registered, even going to far as to put up a photograph and including such scintillating details about myself as my favourite drink (coke) and food (sangwiches).

Not expecting much, I was pleasantly surprised when I checked back later to see that I had a few messages, quite apart from the obligatory one from admin when I registered.

First up was AC* (*not his real name obviously!) who’s favourite place was the Algarve and who enjoyed a glass of red wine.

Things were looking up until I realised that for him things really would be looking up as he was a mere 5ft 6, meaning I’d never be able to wear heels around him (think Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman).

He persisted for a while, even sending a photo which was cute enough, but the height thing really put me off so I didn’t respond (yes, I AM that shallow).

Then there was JJ* who described himself as "well groomed but shy" and said he didn’t drink though his favourite pub was "any where once it’s trendy". Oh dear.

He also said he didn’t really have an ‘ideal’ partner once she had an "attractive figure/personality". So a figure OR a personality then, he didn’t mind which? Next!

Just when I had given up hope though, I got a mail from MM* with ‘Your account balance’ in the subject line.

Curious, I opened up the message to see "Hi, your current account balance at MM’s bank is 10 kisses. If you would like to increase this number, feel free to contact our advisor" which I thought was pretty original.

Corny, but original. But then I spotted his personal details. Yes, another Tom Cruise, this one was only 5ft 5.

Ok, I know it’s wrong to judge someone on their looks alone, but let’s be honest, there has to be some sort of attraction or spark there or it’s not going to work.

For me, I don’t have a particular look or facial feature that I particularly like or dislike about men, but I have to have the height.

I’m fairly tall myself at 5ft 6 and I’m also patently not a perfect size 10 so I need my men to be bigger than I am, which is no mean feat.

I’ve only been on the site for a few days so I haven’t met Mr Right and Tall yet, though my profile has been viewed 26 times already, so you never know.

The site offers some cool features such as chat rooms and message boards as well as a nifty ‘Who’s Looking?’ option which allows you to see which members have been accessing your profile and how many times they have done so.

Perfect for spotting the stalker lurking among all the normal people.

So far I’ve persuaded (bullied) another colleague into joining and I’m hoping to cajole (threaten) a few more so we’ll see what happens.

For now, I’m happy enough surfing through the member profiles in search of my Prince, so I’ll keep you posted.

Why not check it out yourself – I’ll know if you don’t, remember, I’m a journalist."

Said and Dunne 2.

"SO far my profile has been viewed 65 times yet only 12 men have sent me a message.

Me thinks the mascara-streaked photograph I put up on the site was a mistake.

Yes dear reader is appears that not only do I repel men in real life, I also repel men over the Internet as the only messages I’ve received have either been from the midgets I mentioned in last week’s column (those 5ft 5 and under) or else dirty old men.

I logged on last week, full of the joys of spring to find I had a few messages and even better a few ‘winks’ which are little winky icons which appear in your inbox to let you know someone viewed your profile and approved.

One wink was from an "older gentleman" who described himself as "fit and good-looking". Eager to see, I clicked on his photograph and I’m still not the better for it.

Think Jack Duckworth mixed with the owner of a greasy spoon cafe and you’d be halfway there.

Like the scene of a car crash however, I couldn’t look away and scrolled down to read that his favourite activity was "naughty games in my secluded back garden" and that he preferred his "laydeez" to wear "short skirts, high heels and no underwear".

Oh he’s a keeper! I kept expecting the Benny Hill theme music to blast out from the computer when I read his profile; thankfully it didn’t.

A male colleague hasn’t fared much better (aw, bless) though he did get one message off a seemingly nice UCD student...who then proceeded to mention her ex-boyfriend. A mistake apparently ladies, so beware.

"I’m not trying to be overly critical but Jesus why did she have to mention her boyfriend in the first line? And she said she likes GAA too..I thought that was a bit odd," sez he.

A female colleague got quite a few messages and one looked decent enough except that he mentioned his favourite activity was "ballroom dancing" suggesting that he was perhaps a little more, er, festive than he was making out to be.

The oul Internet dating is not looking good people so I fear I shall shortly have to return to the age old tradition of getting locked and finding boys in pubs. You have been warned.

On another, slightly related, point Valentine’s Day passed off peacefully enough as thankfully there was the minimum amount of gushiness and cards in the office and I even got a flower all wrapped up in a bow.

It was from the manager of Molloy’s Pub where we go for our lunch everyday (hi Fran!) and he was giving them to everybody, but still, it counts!

I also got a virtual e-Valentine’s message from a friend of mine living in Canada (let’s call him Toronto Dude or TD for short) which was really sweet, but he’s all the way over there and I’m all the way over there, so we won’t be skipping off into the sunset just yet.

He IS moving back home to Dublin at the end of the year though, so I’ll keep you posted. [Cue TD running for the hills in horror, shouting ‘it was only a feckin’ e-mail for crying out loud, I was just being niiiiiicccee’].

Anyway, so as of yet I’m still single and alone and it looks as though the ‘single for 27 years then gets a column about being single and kaboom you’ll get a man’ prediction my friends warned me about has yet to come true.

Hmmm, I hear the personal ads in the Irish Times are worth looking into.......all together now "all by myself, don’t wanna be, all by myself, anymooooore"."



At 6:06 p.m., Blogger Pure Cork Boy said...

Hang on, I'm sure it's around here somewhere, one second, just a little bit further, ya, that's it, I'm sure of it, come on you bugger, stop being awkward, you know I'm going to get you out of there eventually, damn it, just one more try... gotcha, fantastic! Now that I've managed to get my violin out, what am I going to play?

Cheer up Kaz, look on the bright side, it can't get any worse, can it???

At 4:34 a.m., Blogger Emma in Canada said...

I would have ignored the short men as well, and I'm short myself. Not very nice I suppose, but it's just like a big man saying a certain woman is too fat to date.

Personally, I think you should hold out for the TD fella. I've visited his blog a few times and he seems rather nice. I'm assuming I'm talking about the same guy that you are!

At 12:36 p.m., Blogger Cat said...

Oh, lady, wait til you do start meeting them - it's a laugh a bloody minute!

I reckon it's all very well to try and take control of your own destiny when it comes to meeting men, but at the end of the day there's no legislating for chemistry and you aint going to get that through a PC screen.

(Before anyone gets chippy, I'm a veteran at the dating game, virtually as well as in person, but have decided that I'm going to simply be zen about it now and wait for Mr Right to "flow" to me. Hurry up, Mr Right!!!)

At 11:53 a.m., Blogger JL Pagano said...

Wow - you have no idea how chuffed I am - that's the first time I have ever been credited with having "coined" something! Woo-hoo! I'll consider it an early birthday pressie ;-)

At 12:28 a.m., Blogger Gary said...

Just wanted to say that you write very,very well.

At 12:52 p.m., Blogger KnackeredKaz said...

Aw gee thanks Gary! Thanks for that! Couldn't have come at a better time, today is my second day working for myself, so it's great that someone thinks I'm good! Thanks for visiting

At 4:02 p.m., Blogger AMS said...

Reminds me of the time a fucktard i used to work with put a profile of herself on one of those sites - it was hillarious - the lies!

Of course I logged on and pretended to be her dream man - Christy Dignham 2. I think it was love for her anyway

At 9:42 a.m., Blogger Katy Newton said...

You are me! You are me!

*makes visible effort to calm down*

I went through a prolonged phase of internet dating. I stopped when just the sight of the website logo made me want to slit my wrists. I'm 5'10, so you can imagine how little joy I got out of the whole online experience.


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